Sometimes God Speaks.

I know I've posted before about how I feel lonely since we've moved to the middle of nowhere in North Dakota. Usually, I can go about my day, and stuff that feeling deep down where I don't have to deal with it. But at night, when I can't sleep, it's harder to ignore.

I suffer from insomnia many nights, and when I do, I like to pray. It helps me to focus and resolve any issues in my own mind that might be keeping me from sleep. Last night was one of those nights. I couldn't sleep, and I was praying for my friends, and praying that I would find more IRL friends who believe the way I do about things. Because while I have a lot of wonderful friends online, I don't have that many where I live. And I feel lonely.

So I was telling God about how isolated I feel, living in the middle of a wheat field. I was watching the snow fall, and thinking about how I won't be able to go anywhere for a few days because of it. I was complaining to Him that I don't feel "at home" in our church; I don't agree with some of the theology and I can't stand the style of service; I always feel depressed after a Sunday service. I was having a hard time putting into words how I feel, and finally I gave up. I told God that I know He knows how I feel and what I need even better than I know. I asked Him to speak to me. I've heard His voice before, several times. I waited and listened, but didn't hear anything this time.

And then... I felt that I needed to turn on the radio, despite the fact that it was near midnight, and everyone else in the house was asleep. I got out my ipod and earbuds, and turned on the TuneIn Radio app, which is set to my favorite Christian station in Houston. And this was the song that was playing:

Sometimes God speaks audibly. And sometimes He speaks through the Bible. And sometimes He uses a song. I just need to learn to listen better. And I need to hold on to the promise that He is always with me, and I'm never alone.

Would I have believed? Would you?

Warning: religious/spiritual content ahead. Haha. More like rambling.

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This is just something I've been thinking of this week. I was watching a movie with my dad while on vacation, and wondered if I had been alive at that time in history, would I have followed?

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Imagine with me, if you will...you have grown up in a very religious culture, essentially a theocracy. You have heard about God all your life, and have gone to religious services since you were an infant. You are a good person. You know what you believe. You obey all the laws, even the ones you might think are a bit ridiculous. Because of this, and because of how you were raised, you believe your place in Heaven is assured.

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And along comes a man, a heretic, who turns all that on its head. He is a common laborer, not any more educated than you are...not technically a teacher or minister, but he preaches. And what he preaches goes directly against what you've always believed. He says that being a "good person" isn't enough; you have to be perfect. And since you can't possibly be perfect, you can't get to Heaven. He tells you that God, whom you have always believed in as the Almighty Creator, loves you passionately, a radical idea in and of itself. And so God, who loves you, has come up with a plan to get you there. This man claims that he was sent by God, to take your place; he will die, so that the penalty for your misdeeds is paid, and all you have to do is trust him. Follow him. Learn from him. Oh, and by the way, he tells you...God is his father.

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What would you think? How would you respond? Would you follow him? Or would you tell him he was crazy? Would you say that he ought to be locked up for his insanity?

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The thing is, I'm not sure how I would have responded if I had lived at the time of Christ, and had been face-to-face with Him. Having been born in 1980, and raised by wonderful Christian parents, I put my trust in Christ on February 4, 1988. I tried to run from Him as a teenager, but came to my senses and came running back. I have seen Him working in my life, and the lives of people around me. I love and trust Him more than anyone. He is my everything, even ahead of my husband.

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But still, I wonder, when face-to-face with Him, whether I would have fallen to my knees and wholeheartedly pledged my life to Him as I did when I was seven, or whether I would have shaken my head in disgust, and walked away. Because if someone did that today, I'd do the latter. I am no fool.....but I am willing to look foolish because of my faith in Jesus Christ. He loved me while I was still a sinner. He was willing to give up His life to redeem me. I still try to be a "good person", but not to earn my way to Heaven...instead, to bring Him glory because He loves me even though I am not perfect.

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Perhaps He knew I wouldn't have believed if I had been alive at that time, and that's why I was not. Or maybe I'm just being too introspective for my own good.